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BDSM Code of Conduct

June 07, 2016

BDSM Code of Conduct

In our original BDSM article, BDSM…what is that?, we touched base on the true definition of BDSM. So far, we’ve learned that BDSM is not just beating the crap out of our partner during sex. We’ve also learned that it is not one single, all encompassing, act. There are three facets to BDSM. It is so much more complicated…and is safe, sane and consensual. In this post, we are going to dive deeper into the code of conduct.

BDSM, in general, is a very safe lifestyle if both participants follow the code of conduct: safe, sane and consensual. Throughout our BDSM articles, you will see this code of conduct repeatedly. We want everyone that partakes in this lifestyle to be healthy and happy… and to truly enjoy it! Remember these “golden” rules:

Gain consent from your partner

When starting out with any facet of BDSM, it is most important to gain consent from your partner. Do not just go out and buy a whip and some rope and tell your partner “I wanna try this.” Communicate your interests first. Make sure your partner is on board with your ideas.

Do your research before playing

BDSM can be extremely enjoyable if done properly. Do lots of research before you start on your new endeavor. Whatever your interests might be, read up on them very thoroughly. There are entire books completely devoted to BDSM. Additionally, there are other great websites online that can provide extensive answers to your questions. You can find many sex therapists and BDSM experts online that would be happy to assist you as well. The main theme here is to do lots of research so that the two of you remain safe before, during and after play. Also, feel free to check out our article: BDSM Negotiation & Contracts 101.

Communicate with your partner

Once you and your partner given each other the “GO”, and your research has been completed, next is to communicate what you want. Talk with each other as to what roles you want to play. Explain what acts you want to try. Do you want to be tied up and gagged? Do you want to be a slave? Do you want to be hit with a flogger? Do you want to lead your partner around the house by a leash? These are just a few things that many participants talk about. There are hundreds of scenarios that exist. If you’ve done your research, you will have encountered lots of ideas to try. Again, the first thing is to figure out your roles and what you want to do.

Set expectations

Be clear and concise with your partner. Tell them specifically what you like and how you want it done. For example, if you like being fingered, then tell your partner that you want this. Be concise…if you want no more than three fingers inside you, tell her or him that. Again, be very clear and concise! Ensure that your partner clearly understands by asking them to clarify. In many cases when you have lots of expectations, write them down so they can be reviewed before playing.

Create safe words and use them, if needed

Especially when experimenting with S&M, there may be a time when things go past your tolerable threshold. That is when a safe word comes in handy. All that is required is to say your safe word and play should immediately stop. It is often recommended to keep your safe word as short as possible such as the word “red.” If you are in the masochistic role, you may be taking on a lot of pleasure. Sometimes when that occurs, you tend to be out of breath, or possibly in a mild state of shock. Or, maybe you have a ball gag in your mouth. A short safe word will be easily identifiable if you can barely speak due to any of the above reasons. Otherwise, feel free to make whatever safe word you want. Just be sure that both participants know exactly what the word is and use it when needed.

Debrief

Did you know that a single encounter or episode of BDSM play is actually called a “scene?” That’s correct…it kind of sounds like you’re playing a part in movie. Anyways, after you get done with your scene, be sure you and your partner discuss everything that happened. Communication is key at all times: before, during and after. Discuss specifically what was liked and disliked. If you made a list of expectations, pull it out and cross those things off that you did not like. Add notes of what was liked and how it can be done better for the next scene. Maybe while you were in the scene, you thought about something new to try and didn’t have an opportunity to do it. Well, now is your chance to write that down too.

Say no and respect it

If you get to the point that you’ve tried the BDSM lifestyle and find out that it is not what you like, then please say “no” to your partner. If that occurs, your partner should be understanding and respect your decision. The beautiful thing about sexual intimacy is that there are thousands of ways to satisfy each other. Communicate some new ideas, do some brainstorming together and move onto a new idea.

We hope you have enjoyed this post. Please feel free to comment if you have any questions, concerns, or information you'd like to share. Be sure to check back for more blogs and product reviews or subscribe to our newsletter for automatic updates. We can also be reached directly via email at robinandliam@couplesplaythings.com.

Thanks again,
Robin & Liam

 




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